"We are delighted that you have accepted our invitation to attend the Bethel School of Ministry at Bethel Church". Wow an acceptance letter from the king to revolutionize my life. An invitation to extend the inheritance my father has given me. Jesus, the son of man, the son of the KING who Himself was KING, orchestrated this. Bethel! Bethel! He was sending me to Bethel and it was His desire. Yes, yes and Amen.
The call to go to the nations was embedded into my spirit before my spirit had come into its flesh. The young school girl too shy to speak to the pretty girls had a dream. She sat in class starring outside the window dreaming that one day she would have to dream no more. Now God was sending her out (finally) to a very blessed humble beginning Redding, California.
God was saying, Lina you can pack your bags now.
The photo album was missing pictures. All these destinations and situations for my own life’s expectations were non-existent. I sipped on my coffee alone at a cafe. My thoughts were lost in the abyss of my sadness. The past and present memories were following me around like extra baggage. My mistakes and mans false perceptions of me were wearing thin on my heavy heart.
Why was I there at some cafe contemplating what should have been? Why was I living a life that was never meant for me?
Alone, no! Lonely yes!
In my heart, words never said and words no one should have said, lingered, like the foul after smell of cigarette smoke in the air.
I was the ashtray and I was suffocating! I was suffocating myself!
Lord, why are you allowing me to be suffocated?
A silent tear falls from my eyes.
No one in the café noticed. No one ever notices.
That is my life story – the silent wanderer.
The darkness called out to me in the night.
The night was my light of salvation.
The darkness did not speak back when I cried. It did not comment on the cries of my heart. It listened in its cruel and quiet stillness.
There in the hidden place it was orchestrated. The life I was “meant” to live would start to unfold. My friends, my family in my hidden place they would not be able to find me. Somewhere far away would be my refuge. Unknown and unheard that is where I will go. No justifying, no approval needed.
Alone, yes! Lonely yes! Happy yes!
The darkness helped hide what they could never cover up.
I did not know about the darkness watcher. The spirit saw into my darkness. A watchman!
“Jesus? He saw into my dark”? I thought He didn’t care. He never intervened, never stepped in!
I was a sinner who could never please Him. The world hated me and the creator of the universe sure disproved of me.
In the beginning it is always humble beginnings.
It’s amazing what we remember when we look back from what He brought us out of and into.
My beauty for ashes He gave.
A crown one size Lina fit only.
He crowned me with His love that no man could ever defile. And now I lift my voice with praise to King who has taken away my pain. His light knows no dark. He is my is my life, my world.
Bethel, oh yeah!
He heard. He listened.
